Well, guys, this is the end … season one of BIP is in the books.
But it was a pretty good book, if we do say so ourselves. And the best part is that it’ll be back! There’s going to be another chapter in this weirdly entertaining book! There’s going to be a season two!
This is how we felt when we found out this crazy show got renewed:
We could hardly contain our excitement. But first, we must officially close the chapter on season one with our customary recap. So let us get started, shall we?
The Papaya Playa is closing down.
Time is winding down on BIP, and the mood is very somber in the treehouse. Everyone’s like, “Booo, why is this ending? We want more BIP! BIP BIP BIP BIP BIP BIP BIP…”
But their chants fell upon deaf ears. It was of no use. Instead, Chris Harrison showed up to quiet them down—and that’s when everything changed.
He was like, “Pipe down with your chants, you crazy people. The Papaya Playa is closing down. We only have one week left, so it’s time to make some decisions … lookin’ at you, Graham. There ain’t gonna be no more date cards, no more rose ceremonies and no more new people comin’. So that means you and the person you’re sitting next to need to figure out if you want to be stuck together in the real world. This is serious business, so don’t jerk around. And more importantly, DO NOT LIE TO ME. I WILL KNOW. AND I WILL NOT BE HAPPY. Good luck, and may the odds be ever in your favor … for the sake of our success rate on this show.”
That’s when everyone immediately started freaking out. They were like, “Wait, I didn’t sign up for this! I was just coming for the free vacation. Do I have to decide if I’m going to get married right now? I’m not ready for that type of commitment. I hate commitment! When’s the part where I get to compete for $250,000?!”
Christy, on the other hand, has no idea what’s going on. She just came for the free booze.
Meanwhile, we’re more concerned with the fact that Chris Harrison referred to the BIP treehouse as the Papaya Playa. I mean, what the eff kind of name is that anyway?
…Whatevs, we’re still gonna call it the BIP treehouse.
AshLee can’t wait to love on Graham every day forever and ever and ever.
Now that Chris Harrison has laid down the law, the guys and girls have split off into their respective groups to collectively freak out together.
But you know who’s not freaking out? AshLee. She’s totally psyched because she can’t wait to get out into the real world with Graham and love on him there. Everything is going to be PERFECT.
Lacy and Michelle literally want to punch AshLee in the face.
But AshLee continues to ramble on about how much she adores Graham and how she’s so lucky because Graham’s amazingness challenges her to be better for him and serve him more and love on him more and give him what he deserves and yada yada yada…
Lacy continues to throw AshLee some serious shade.
Meanwhile, Michelle has had enough. She is so not having any more of this. It was coming up … the word vomit.
So she quickly exits stage left to go talk to Graham about what a horrible person AshLee is.
Graham realizes what a horrible person AshLee is.
So, as Michelle goes to have her little powwow with Graham, AshLee’s all, “Aw, poor thing. She must be so conflicted about her relationship with Cody that she needs to go talk to Graham about it.”
NO, GIRL. OPEN YO EYES. THAT AIN’T WHAT’S HAPPENIN’ RIGHT NOW. But AshLee isn’t concerned. Michelle would never say anything bad about her because she is SUCH a good friend.
But AshLee is wrong. Very wrong. Michelle DOES say bad things about her. She was all like, “Graham, I been watchin’ this girl. Something is not right in her brain. Things are all messed up in there. She might even be a robot. I can’t say for sure. But what I do know is that she’s not right for you. And also that she wears too many accessories.”
And believe it or not, this actually registered with Graham. Everything finally seemed to click in his brain. He knew what he had to do … he had to break up with AshLee.
Graham shatters AshLee’s hopes and dreams.
After six long weeks, the time has finally come. Graham is about to destroy all of AshLee’s hope and dreams. He is going to squash them like a bug. He is going to extinguish the flame of their brief and one-sided relationship.
AshLee does not see this coming. She has no idea. Instead, she’s busy thinking about her “spiritual romantic emotional relationship” with Graham … whatever that means.
Graham quickly brings her back to Earth, however, and tells her that he’s totes over it. He doesn’t think their relationship is where it needs to be for them to make it in the real world.
But then, something strange happens … AshLee gives a totally sane and logical response to this bomb that Graham has dropped.
Weird, we know. She was like, “Our relationship doesn’t have to be so intense right away. It’s not like you have to say ‘I love you’ or ‘marry me.’ It’s just about seeing what we’d be like in the real world after we leave here.”
Mind. Blown.
But Graham is not having it. This sensible response does not change his mind. He proceeds with the break-up.
AshLee is devastated. She thought they had something magical and spiritual and romantic and emotional. But alas, they did not.
Just before they went their separate ways, however, AshLee decided to give it one last-ditch effort to save their relationship. And this is basically how it went:
It did not end well. They parted ways, and AshLee was left to cry in a field on the beach, alone.
Womp womp.
Christy and Tasos break up … or something like that.
So, apparently, the Graham and AshLee break-up set off a chain reaction in the treehouse, because everyone was all of a sudden like, “Oh my God, if Graham and AshLee can’t make it, NONE OF US CAN. THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS, YOU GUYS.”
So, everyone started breaking up. And first on the chopping block was Tasos and Christy—except we don’t really think we can technically call this a “break-up” because this is how it went down:
Tasos: “Sooo, I don’t really think it’s going to work out between us. I’ve known you for like, 10 minutes.”
Christy: “Yeah, I agree.”
Tasos: “OK, good talk.”
And that was it. They embraced and parted ways.
Jackie and Zack have an emotional, gut-wrenching break-up.
No, we’re totally kidding—not about the breaking up part, just about the emotional, gut-wrenching part. Even though Zack kinda, sorta cared a little bit, their break-up pretty much went the same way as Tasos and Christy’s:
Jackie: “I’m pretty sure Chris Harrison only wants the couples who are actually, really serious to stay at this point, soo I’m thinking we should probs break up.”
Zack: “Yeah, I mean, I wanted to stay because I wanted more time with you. But I get what you’re saying, so I gotta respect that.”
Jackie: “K, thanks, bye.”
Zack: “Bye.”
And just like that, only three couples remain. The BIP treehouse has now turned into a barren wasteland.
Sarah wants Robert to get to know her in every way possible.
With only three couples left, it’s now time for the overnight date portion of the show. And Robert and Sarah are first up on the list.
They have a pretty normal fantasy suite date—nothing too exciting or over-the-top, except Sarah is PUMPED. She’s DREAMED about this day ever since she started watching The Bachelor 10 years ago. This is EVERYTHING she’s ever wanted.
And now that she’s here, she wants Robert to get to know her in every way possible. And we mean every way. With no cameras. And she hopes he digs deep.
Giggity.
Cody Code is SO not getting laid tonight.
After Marcus and Lacy’s overnight date (which bored us TO TEARS), we finally get to Michelle and Cody’s date. And, naturally, Michelle is still freaking out about pretty much everything. But do not fear—sweet, genuine Cody Code is there to put her mind at ease.
He was like, “Listen, girl, I know you’re scared, but it’s all good. I know you have a daughter and we live in different cities and all that, but I’m willing to do whatever … what-ev-er to make you happy. I wanna wife you up someday.”
This, apparently, was enough to ease Michelle’s mind because, after that, she wanted to go to the fantasy suite with Cody Code.
But just so you know, he is NOT getting laid tonight. There is absolutely ZERO chance of that happening, because Michelle has laid down the law!
Are you listening, Cody Code? YOU’RE NOT GETTING LAID TONIGHT.
Cody Code SO got laid last night.
So, the next morning, all the couples return to the BIP treehouse happy as clams. But one individual was particularly happier than all the rest—Michelle, who we shall now call Judy Grimes.
Why, you ask? Well, because, you see, Judy walked into the treehouse the next day like, “You know that whole Cody not getting laid thing? Just kidding, just kidding, just kidding, just kidding.”
And how do we know this? Because a) she was lookin’ tired and worn out as all hell, and b) she did not skip out on any details AT ALL.
Michelle: “After the time I got to spend with Cody last night, I am really sore … and very satisfied.”
Even Cody Code confirmed this unexpected unfolding of events:
Cody: “Sheee mighta broke the code. I marked some things off my bucket list last night, I’ll tell ya that right now.”
Michelle even shared the details of her escapades with Lacy:
Michelle: “He has an amazing d**k, and he’s actually really f**kin’ good in bed. We f**ked the sh*t out of every part in that room. I’m runnin’ on one hour of sleep.”
Oh … oh my.
Well … good for Michelle and Cody and his Hulk-sized muscle. We’re glad everything went so splendidly for them.
Robert and Sarah crash and burn.
So, as Marcus and Lacy and Cody and Michelle are beaming and gushing about their overnight dates, Sarah is all womp womp because, apparently, her fantasy suite date with Robert sucked.
Sarah was hoping that she and Robert would stay up all night and talk and cuddle and get to know each other and dig deep and whatever else—but that is not what happened. Instead, Robert apparently decided that he was tired and wanted to go to sleep.
But here’s the kicker: He slept with his jeans on.
Like, oh-em-gee. Ew.
And that’s when everything started spiraling out of control. Instead of remaining calm and doing something very important with Robert called com-mu-ni-ca-ting, Sarah—like most other women—let her mind run wild. So, naturally, she started overreacting.
Meanwhile, Robert has no idea that Sarah is in a complete state of panic. He still thinks that everything is just lovely between the two of them.
Oy. You see, boys and girls, this is a classic example of how men and women think so much differently from each other. Men operate in basic guy mode, while women dissect and scrutinize every single little thing. And this is exactly what happened with Sarah and Robert. This is how it went down:
Robert, in his mind: “Me like Sarah. Me think Sarah pretty. Me had fun with her on date last night … OK, me hungry now.”
Sarah, in her mind: “Oh my God, why didn’t Robert touch me more? Why didn’t he gaze into my eyes longer? Why didn’t he kiss me in the hot tub? Why did he sleep with his jeans on? We were supposed to stay up all night and talk and get to know each other. Why did he just roll over and go to sleep? Does he not like me? Is it me? Is something wrong with me? There has to be something wrong with me. Am I ever going to get married?”
And then, to make matters worse, she began comparing her relationship to the other relationships in the house, which is never a good idea because this is what happens:
Sarah, in her mind: “Oh my God, Marcus and Lacy are so in love. They are perfect. Why can’t I have that? And look at Cody and Michelle. They stayed up all night boinking. Cody has a Hulk-sized muscle below his belt. I don’t even know if Robert has a muscle down there BECAUSE HE SLEPT WITH HIS JEANS ON. Why does this always happen to me?! Why can’t I have what they have?”
So, after thinking about this to the point of mental exhaustion, Sarah finally decides to go talk to Robert. And surprise, surprise, Robert is completely blindsided. After Sarah told him how she felt, he just looked at her totally confused. He literally had no idea that they weren’t on the same page.
And unfortunately, that’s how they ended things. Robert was sad, confused and trying to make sense of it all, while Sarah stood there, crying and wondering whether she made the right decision.
Yikes. What a debacle. And the worst part is that this issue was probably something they could’ve worked through. If only Robert had explained that he wanted to take things slow and Sarah hadn’t overreacted to everything, things may have ended a lot differently for them.
Neil Lane makes a sneaky visit to the BIP treehouse.
The time has finally come to hand out the final roses, and Michelle and Cody are the first to partake in this awkward profession of love and commitment.
As expected, they gush about each other and how in love they are and how they can’t wait to start their life together and all that happy crap. Then, they walked off into the figurative sunset together to live happily ever after. It was adorable and perfect and wonderful.
Then, it was Marcus and Lacy’s turn. And Marcus was nervous as all hell. This dude was SWEATING BULLETS.
Why, you ask? BECAUSE HE PROPOSED! It was totes adorbs. And of course, Lacy said yes. I mean, obvi. It’s Marcus and Lacy.
What better way to end the first season of BIP than with a proposal between a couple who’s only known each other for four weeks? It was perfect.
Prepare yourselves for THE BEST MONTAGE EVER.
Just kidding, there is a better way to end this show actually—with the most AMAZING MONTAGE EVER. This, in and of itself, made the entire finale worth watching.
First, it started out with Elise’s epic rose ceremony speech that made absolutely zero sense.
Then, we got all of the updates we could ever want. Just, all of them.
We found out that Sarah did not get back together with Robert.
Robert is still sleeping in his jeans.
Graham can no longer be stalked on Instagram.
Crazy Michelle K. and Ryan Putz’s relationship was short-lived…
…But they continue to make excellent life choices.
Clare is still looking for her happy ending in Clare-adise … sans the raccoon.
Elise is no longer blessing Chris. (Say it with us now … NOOOOOOOOOOO!)
MICHELLE AND CODY ARE STILL TOGETHER! YAYAYAYAY!
And obvs, Marcus and Lacy are totes still in love. She’s moving to Dallas and they’re planning to get murried in the spring. Yay!
Seriously, this montage could not have been more perfect. The speech, the music, the updates … it was hilarious. We literally watched it like, three times.
Producers, we eternally thank you.
She asked me how to spell orange.
This is the place where we’ll highlight the stupidest thing said on each episode, like when Karen asked Damien how to spell orange.
There wasn’t really a good stupid quote from the finale this week, so, for posterity, we decided we’d just highlight Lacy’s most memorable quotes instead. For example:
“I’m 80/40.”
A real gem.
Also, that time she started talking to Marcus about a Tryannasaurus Rex. Not a Tyrannosaurus Rex … a TRYannasaurus Rex.
Oh, and who could forget her complete butchering of “stalagmites” and “stalactites?” That was classic.
So, thank you, Lacy, for making this segment the greatest it’s been since Sean’s season with Lindsay Yenter.
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